I felt like I was cheating

 A while ago, I was with someone in this crazy relationship and it started out as two people being in coworkers. Then it became this weird thing where we kinda were in this flirty relationship, but we were just friends. Then it went from that to something else that kind of went insane it was almost like we were in a relationship, but we weren’t in a relationship we were talking, but we weren’t talking. We were friends, but we were enemies. He hated me, but I have so much loved him. It was crazy.

It was so crazy because of how I felt about him because I tried to deny it for so long. I tried to deny it because I knew I was in a relationship and I didn’t want to leave the person I was with. I really loved him and I wanted it to work, but I also knew he did so many things to hurt me that it just put me in the worst place. I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I made mistakes in The relationship because my mind wasn’t mature enough to just let it go and grow on my own. I wanted us to work so bad I put up with the mental abuse the cheating, the tormenting, the lies all the pain and the trauma that I had to go through on my own for my own childhood and carried the weight of his own trauma.

So we bonded we trauma bonded, but when we got to a certain place where it was just a struggle and only drama and trauma, I was introduced to a person who seemed like they gave me a little bit of clarity. The truth is they gave me clarity because they mirrored me. They showed me something about myself. I fell in love with me because I fell in love with them. They showed me everything that I was and the crazy thing is at some point they thought they were that person and I thought they were too, but once I realized they weren’t then I realize who I really was. I loved him and I love them both, but I ended up having to lose both of them so I can fall in love with me. 

It wasn’t that simple it really wasn’t. It wasn’t simple in any romantic relationship or friendship I’ve ever had. It always seem to be drama drama drama I said by my ex, which is crazy. I want to laugh out loud because of the fact that that’s literally what he said was drama drama drama, but the hurt and the Trauma that was made by what he said really isn’t funny. I don’t want to be that avoided person and pretend like it’s all good but I also don’t wanna act like some of the moments weren’t hilarious because they were. In this blog you’re gonna hear about my love life not just my love life romantically but my love life with friends, family coworkers I just my journey overall into loving myself, but this is about the Fila a.k.a. Philly AK love because PHIL means love.

On the journey with this one particular person and we circle back to the start, even though at first, there wasn’t anything that happened. I loved him. I belonged for him and I felt like that was cheating. however, watching this video that TLC made on living single about it, not really being cheated is a philosophy that some people would say.

I feel like you can cheat spiritually mentally emotionally that’s why we have to in flames soulmates because it’s a thing that you just belong for somebody and it put your mind someplace else. I also believe that actions speak louder than words sometimes the action is always going to start in the brain and then end up being a physical manifestation. I also understand that you can’t help with you like or who you love, but you can look at things realistically. I feel like it’s really important to remember where you are and if you realize that you’re already in a relationship get out of that relationship if it’s not healthy for you not because it’s just something you wanna get out of it so you can have a flame but get out of it if it’s healthy and at the time, the truth was my relationship with the person that I was with it that moment wasn’t healthy, but I did love them and we were growing we were changing, but there were so many issues in our relationship. So when I saw this person come along I thought they were mine saving Grace, but I realized the only thing that could save me with me. 

It wasn’t just me having an epiphany after everything went down. It was me just knowing for years that if IIt wasn’t just me having an epiphany after everything went down. It was me just knowing for years that if I was to ever leave this person, I needed to take some real time to do some healing and work on myself. I remember saying that to this person who was my other little love interest, a.k.a. my friend that I worked with but things took a weird term. It didn’t go how I thought it was gonna go. It went in a way where there was a lot of lies deception and craziness and we gonna talk about all of that the good the bad, the ugly, and the what girl we gotta share Talk about this. Either way, we are going to get into the tea of everything.