Dear Diary I love you but

 Here’s the thing about break ups break up suck I mean honestly they really do and it doesn’t matter what happens in the break up. It doesn’t matter who does wrong or if you both do wrong break up is really suck when you realize that you’ve made mistakes in a relationship and it’s too late to fix it. That is the worst thing in the world. I’m doing this diary injury because I realize I made mistake mistakes. I realize that I’m made mistakes by staying in a relationship too long when I saw the warning signs 1 million times I realize I’m made mistakes when. I tried to fix a relationship that really needed both of us as individuals to fix ourselves before we can come back into union

Here’s the thing I’m the worst about I’m sick about is that I chose to love other people before I love myself. I chose to give and give and give until even though my cup runner is over. There was still a lack in there. I realize that I love differently that when I love you, it’s hard but when you hurt me I take on the blame I take on the guilt. I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I did something wrong. There were many arguments that it wasn’t even my fault, but I took it on, but this last argument I realized that there was accountability that I had to take. I realize that when I left the way I left and why I loved it was for so many reasons someOf the reasons were because I fell in love with somebody else, but the truth is now looking back. I realize that that wasn’t Love. I was just in love with someone noticing me the idea of being in love I was in love with someone actually giving me attention because I felt like I wasn’t getting that the truth is I felt replaceable and like a number.I meant so many times before to try to voice this to my partner, but we had 1 million different things to talk about that. This was just one of the things that was on the list at theWay bottom

I realize that I left I’m not complaining. I knew that I left. It was domestic abuse. It was mental abuse. It was cheating. It was lies, but there was also the fact that I wanted more for my kids and myself and even him. Deep down if we could take it all back I really wanted us to get a place together that wasn’t something that I had to worry about the kids being Unsafe .There’s a lot of he said she said in This relationship when we come to arguing. There was a lot of I feel you did and pointing the fingers in this relationship between the both of us, and there was even accountability between the both of us. I realize that I was an M and will forever be grateful for this man being in my life.I also feel like to the contrary I was so grateful that it crippled me to the point where I felt like I couldn’t be with anybody else with him and I literally ate my pain.I taught myself to do that at a young age. I would stress out and freak out and eat, but then that wasn’t the only thing that happened. I would gain weight mentally physically emotionally I would gain.I remember one of my episodes of stressing out to the point where my eyes started to droop in my mouth started to droop, and I thought I had a stroke because I Was so stressed over this man. I remember Telling him what was going on and fearing that I had a stroke and him telling me he had to go to work and he couldn’t take me to the hospital.

The real reason why I didn’t come back in 2025 was because I love him because of many different people pointing out the fact that he hurt me so many times why would you.I loved him because of the fact that I knew that he heard me. I also didn’t come back in 2025 and kept being with you while she which made him feel some type of way, but it was because I knew that I didn’t want to be a hypocrite, and I wanted him to trust that when I said something, IMeant it I at least wanted to give myself self-esteem and boundaries. The truth is I did not want to come back now because I didn’t want to be with him because the secret is every day I belong for him, but I also would secretly say I didn’t care it doesn’t matter however it did matter that was my family. That was my God. That was my person that was my best friend, even though he was my worst enemy at the same time he still was there for me in town where I needed it. It was so complicated. Weird .

I feel so vulnerable now I’m in a crazy situation and I realize that when I get out of this situation and get on My Bee, the person that I want to be there is him. I know diary I know I know it doesn’t make sense but let me explain when I first met him. We would go through the spells of breaking up crazy, crazy spells, and when we were break up, I would change at my house or change up my hair in my house buy a new clothes and every day I would look at these things and cry because I would worry that he would never get to see them.I feel like I had a Father woman that really was reflected back to me when I seen him because when I looked at him, I’m not gonna lie. I saw a big daddy. I saw the dude who was a Father figure. I went out of my way to get his approval he’s the only guy in my life that I went through as much chaos for so long with.He reminded me of my father where I would do everything to get his approval and he would say bad things about me mentally abuse me do things to me that were. Let’s just say not good and I would just take it and take it to the property, we had a bad relationship but deep down I always wanted my father to see me as special. This is how I feel about this person. This person was the romantic love that I wanted to marry for so long I needed him to see me as special. I needed him to see me as a wife. I needed him to see me as his lover, and I kept having to show him me. I kept having to fight. I kept having to argue, I kept having to go through the motions. I remember him telling me about why he’s leaving but not understanding that the reason why I did what I did last year was because I was scared. It wasn’t because of a better option. It wasn’t because of a better person. That’s not even why I left it was because I was scared. I was numb. I was hurt and I was inDelusion . I didn’t want other people to say you left. Why did you come back? I didn’t want to be another statistic knowing my situation. I didn’t wanna be at risk of losing it all again. My daughter doesn’t deserve that my kids don’t deserve that it doesn’t matter if my son is staying far away, he needs to know that his family is safe and I just didn’t want no more drama.

Here’s the thing though deep down I was longing for him missing him warning that’s ability again logging for home, but I said I wasn’t gonna come back and so I said I need to stand on that. There are times where I will get up in the middle of the night and say no there were times where I would be rude and I didn’t want to. It was just because I knew that he was lying. I knew that you always lied. We brought up conversations and he thought that I was just trying to be mean, but it was because you put me through so much trauma so much pain over the years so many times where you literally would just leave me to the wolves And I accepted that I let myself be the worst version of myself.

I allow myself to fall so deeply into delusion that I thought that we could work. I’m just flabbergasted about what happened about what you told me about what you saidWhat I thought diary. I just wish that I Could tell the younger version of myself that it’s OK to be alone that it’s OK to get yourself together and that there are ways that you can get help to get on your feet . There’s a part of me that wanted and still wants and I know this is bad to go back in time and restart history all over again and maybe.Maybe it could’ve fixed itBut I know that’s not true.

Here’s a big thing that I learned everything and everyone is replaceable and if you haven’t had an ego desk, you need to have one lately. I have a lot of patterns that I had to break and I realize that I have a lot of people in my life that weren’t the people that were rocking with me. They weren’t really shooting with me in the gym, and I tried to reassess and evaluate things because last year was turmoil for me. I was stressed out, trying to make sure everybody was straight to the point where I kept making flipped decisions because I felt like I was in the middle of trying to make my family behold, but at the same time dealing with the heartache of knowing that I made a decision to try to empower my family at the same time . about15 years ago, I fell in love with someone I fell in love with him deep I fell in love with him hard so much so that when I had to leave, I had to turn my my logic in my emotions because even though I love disability, I had my heart kept feeling like something wasn’t right

To this day, I know I’m still in love with this man, but when I went numb because of our relationship, I went so numb to the point where I became delusional

I found myself falling more in love with myself, but also being around people who really didn’t know me for real, which allowed me to see that I really didn’t know myself. There were multiple times that happened in this 15 year period. Where I felt like I was delusional, there would be breakdowns and tears and fear and worries.

However, I chose this relationship. I chose all the falls and rises within a relationship now I found out that 15 years was a lie that every time we went through stuff, both of us didn’t know stuff about the other person. Honestly, I don’t feel like he really knew how much he hurt me for real and when he told me everything and confessed to me, it was like I didn’t matter like I was just the number on the totem bowl like I was just another person.

He mentally abuse me lied to me pitting me against other females cheated on me forced to self on me and made me feel like I was just a Butthead and then wondered why last year I was the way I was in the year before that it wasn’t because I fell in love with somebody else and at first I thought that’s what it was. It was because I fell in love with the idea of everything being peaceful of somebody actually paying attention to me of somebody actually noticing what I had going on and actually telling me what they saw and admired even if I found out later it was just attacked to break from me. I needed to learn this. 

But I learned this lesson from this situation. I also learned that my relationship that I had for 15 years was one that I was getting breadcrumbs. I learned that the person I was with was narcissist I learned that he mentally abuse me. I learned that he did not care about my feelings he did not care about what I did or who I was with just as long as I was doing what he was telling me to do, but I still love him. I still want to be with him. It’s just I was hurt hurting I didn’t know how to love myself when I first met him and to find out that he was with multiple different women. It just bothers me. I feel like a number in a line of desserts at the deli. 

I was with him for 15 years 15 years fam and he just didn’t realize all the times I stayed up with him late dealt with him when he was lying dealt with him when he was going through family issues watch his family put his needs above mind times he wanted me to send my kids off so that way I can watch his family times where I spent money on him spent my last and then you would always make me feel bad about myself always make me feel like I was nothing now I’m not saying every single day because that would be a lie because I wouldn’t have been with him as long as I Have been if that was the case there was a lot of time when we were smiling and greeting and happy and the family was peaceful

There was a lot of times where everything was great where the love was real and abundant and fruitful

However, what happened in this time was crazy. I started pushing away from him even though I really wanted him to stay because I realized that would happen in 2024 put a strain on my son and my daughter and put a strain on me. I tried over and over again to get everything straight or at least coparent but when he told me the truth, it made me feel numb and dead inside this morning. I got an epiphany about everything.

For the first time I feel like he never ever cared about me the first time I feel like he never ever loved me for real the first time I feel like he would do what he did for me for everybody so I wasn’t even special. I thought that the stuff he did for me was because he love me, but now I feel like it was just because he wanted my attention and I know that’s not true. I know that’s not true. I know that’s not true but at the same time, the real reason why I did a lot of things I did is because of how he hurt me everything that I did was a reaction even what happened in 2024 even what happened in 2025 because of the mental abuse because of what he said to me and he heard from you in the Shelter because of all the times he would make me feel like he had another option and another choice when I wasn’t even talking to nobody, but then when I started to talk to somebody he made me feel bad made me feel bad about wanting him to leave or not want to do things physical because I didn’t trust him. I didn’t trust what he was doing. I know how he lied in the past, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt I tried to work with it and now not only is my heartbroken. 

But now I can never see him the same. The person that I once looked at as a superhero is not my villain he used to be my best friend at least I thought, but maybe he was just somebody swelling in my face. He hurt me so bad and he thinks that I did the stuff to him on purpose because of the fact that I was trying to hurt him I never felt like that I’m not having addictive. I did it because I was trying to protect me, my son, my daughter, and even him. I’m a late night staying up with him when he was sick. I remember late night conversation sleeping on the phone while I remember being there for his grandma‘s funeral I remember being there and being treated like I was a ghost and so I got used to being like that with other people that used to being treated like I was a ghost and I kept doing it and now no more I’m reborn I shall live. 

Don’t get it twisted I still love you. I’m still madly in love with him, but I know that what he did to me wasn’t Love. I love what he did to me was wrong and it was toxic and I was toxic for staying in that long because even though I’m an empath, and I definitely see him as a narcissist I realize that I could’ve left. I could’ve left him alone. I pray prayed I pray prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I still pray I still pray God knows I pray because even though I might never see this man again, I want him to have peace, but I know that he hurt me in a way that destroyed me. I wanted my family to have that man. 

I feel betrayed. I feel like I betrayed myself. I feel like I just didn’t have the nerve or the gumption to let this man know exactly what it was and stand on it. I wanted to marry him I wanted to have his babies and went through so many different pregnancy scares from women, and just cried at the thought of another woman having his baby before I did. It made me realize that the person that I love will lead me, my daughter and my son who called him dad alone, and I was right the whole time they never really loved us for real that we were replaceable that he used this for a timeslot because if it really was that he wanted us to be in his life. He would’ve worked it out. I tried to, even though the one who got domestic abuse with me, I tried to. I tried to was that perfect no did I lie yes 

Did I have moments where I was more vulnerable because I let myself be vulnerable yes. I realize that I miss him, but I miss the good times. I miss disability. I don’t miss in security. I don’t miss the times where I was all in my head, I don’t miss him making me feel bad about myself. I don’t miss him making me compete against other females. I don’t miss him making me feel like everything is my fault when I know I was just reacting to what he was doing to me no, I don’t miss that. I meant many people who have abuse me mentally but this person was 15 years of my life. I remember when I got out the shelter he said so you’re not famous yet you did all this and you didn’t get famous and a part of me understands now. 

He was mad that I left, but he wasn’t mad when I had to take care of him the kids and the family with a little bit of money that I had and work extra jobs when he told me that’s what I have to do. He wasn’t mad when he didn’t celebrate anniversaries, but he went out and went fishing. He wasn’t mad when he lied to me over and over and over and over again, knowing he guys just told the truth. He wasn’t mad when I argue with him because he was doing the things to me to hurt me I was reacting to his abuse. He could’ve just left me kept moving, but he kept coming back and now he just replaced us with multiple different people.

I feel like my backbone was never a backbone. It was just a twig. It was just an illusion. I want more from him. It’s kind of like Jay-Z said in the song cry. I was just fudging them girls. I was gonna get right back. I thought we was always gonna make it work to figure it out, but even by me and Whitney broke up.

I realize that there’s a part of me that wishes that we would’ve went to therapy that we would’ve talked about our problems that he would’ve got some therapy for himself that we would’ve spent time apart and figured it out. There were parts of that story that did happen. We spent time apart we started to work on ourselves, but the issue is we never quite got it right.

Is there a part of me that secretly hope that he changes and does right yeah but if he did it for 15 years, that’s his lifestyle but the truth is he offered me a chance a chance to have all the things that I wanted before after I left him and I told him the real reason why I did not want it is because why did you wait till after I left to give it to me? Why did you wait until I left to see my worst? Why was I so irreplaceable after you saw other people giving me attention? 

Now he’s trying to blame it on me and I’m trying to blame it on him and we’re Tryna take accountability for each other and it’s so confusing. The silence is painful, but the growth out of the silence is loud, peaceful and healing.

I say all this to say that honest to God truth this is me being human being. I will never ever ever not love him or be in love with him. I will never ever ever not want us to get it right one day, not just for the second of the kids. I also would want us to get it right because I want to fix something or at least redeem myself, but the reality is, I guess he’ll just be someone who got 15 years of my life that I can’t get back that I always be in love with. I know that I can’t do it again. Do I want to not again but honestly if we weren’t in a different place healed, I would want a chance, but knowing what I know now. 

Knowing what I know now I realize that it’s not a good idea and this is just me being honest and vulnerable and in a crazy place this doesn’t mean that when I finally heal I’ll be like yeah we’ll give it another chance because what’s the .15 years of a lie is still 15 years of a lie not just lies, but the biggest lie is that that was really my man. I thought he was the one I never had a chance when I say this Walmart the worst this broke my heart more than this whole pending charge, but I will survive and I will love again in one day. God will bless me with the right person until then I will pray for myself pray for my kids pray for my future and even pray for my ex cause I want him to have the best I want him to heal. I want him to understand that I will always love him and that I’m not blaming him. Oh my God no I’m not because I was not innocent, but I want him to know that I will always be madly in love with them that he will always have a peace of my heart, but what he did was make everything over you made it so that way we can never go back and so did I if I had by chance ever somehow go back on my word. It’s only because things are in better alignment so I see that happening no do I want it to happen? I’ll let you be the judge until next time. Peace blessings love carpe diem