Dear Diary tell him I’m sorry

 Dear diary

I remember being about 28 and working at AT&T and I was with my ex. He used to drive me to work and he would play Kevin Gates all the time and at first I didn’t understand him. Then I became so obsessed with Kevin Gates because when we had split up, I started to long for those songs because I wanted to be close to him.

Now I am hearing the song closer than Close nobody does it better by Nate Dogg in my brain over and over It is my theme song and it reminds me of him. It reminds me of our time together it reminds me of all the years I spent in his car. I always thought that he was that guy that nobody did better than him, no matter what we went through I always thought he was that guy. He was like my pops when I wrote in his car I felt invincible and saved like I was a bad woman.

He was Batman and he was on some type of crusade to take me to work period. I always enjoy those moments until I didn’t Get a chance to have those moments anymore. I remember working at Food World and him picking me up from work every day. There were times why I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world no matter what job him coming in his car made me feel like I’m it. I feel like I was the prom. Queen and this was my sexy man that was doing his thing. But then I made so many mistakes. I’m not saying that I wasn’t right for how I felt. I’m saying that I hurt him and that was a mistake for me because I never intended to him, but no matter how it would’ve went down if I left, I was gonna hurt him. 

I know I reacted, but I really felt like I didn’t want to hurt him now I’m looking back and I’m wishing that I could sit there with 1 million different flowers PlayStation games and a buffet and a bunch of different clothes and say I’m sorry now I wish I could just sit back and restart things over again even though I know I went through a lot. I went through a lot. I just wish I never hurt him the guilty of it always down on me. 

I chose myself even through all the crazy stuff that I did. I still chose myself. I don’t regret choosing myself, but what I do regret is moments where I could’ve done things better. I am grateful to him for everything he did and now it’s too late and I’m not saying that it should work. I’m saying that right now at my most raw model stage. All I wanna do is say I’m sorry I’m sorry that I hurt him. I’m sorry that I made him cry. I’m sorry that we cried together I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I had to leave. I’m sorry that I didn’t come back home. I’m sorry that he will never trust me again. I’m sorry that I don’t think I will ever trust him again. I’m sorry that my kids might never ever be able to talk to him again that was 15 years of my life. I’m sorry that this went down like this.

I know it’s not fully my fault. I know we won’t to blame in everything. I just wish I just wish I didn’t hear that song in my brain every day. I wish that I’m maneuvered better so he saw that I was Appreciating him I wish that I would’ve spent more time with him. I wish I would’ve tried because deep down. I feel like the people that are suffering. The most would be my daughter and my son because they won’t have him if he walks out their life for good it’s almost to the point where I would take the abuse if that meant that my kids would have him because I know what it feels like to wonder what your father is doing.

I know that’s not the right thing to do. I know that I did the right thing but at the same time, my kids have to suffer for it cause it’s like we shouldn’t even made this family. If this was gonna happen like this I feel like I lost and I gave up but I know it was a blessing to leave, but I have to say this because I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I apologize. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. 

I love you and I will never not love him. I just was so lost in this crazy fog that I couldn’t come out of it until I did it when I finally got out of it. Things didn’t work when I’m apologizing. I’m apologizing to him to myself to my daughter to my son, so the people that helped me along the way, I was just so sorry. I felt like I was burning with everybody who had eyes and things to say that I was trying to make sure everybody had what they wanted. I feel like I lost my family for real and I was just so sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I did the right thing but at the same time I wish I would’ve did it better so I could still have my family.